Food cravings and urges to binge are sneaky. Before you know it, you’re elbow-deep in a binge, with no recourse but to finish up and move onto to the lamentations.
Or is that so?
Yeah, it feels that way. Food craving can be subtle. The thought, desire and actual eating feel like they just happen. But they don’t! A decision-making process must occur each and every time. The problem is, YOU are not conscious of the process.
For my journal today, I asked my inner binger why it’s so sneaky.
Here’s the reply:
First of all, fuck off. Secondly, I don’t owe you any explanation. You’re a therapist.
But let me lay something on you that you may have never considered before. The part of you that forces you to binge…you know, that part of you that you hate? Well, it’s in pain. And it’s playing some kind of protective role. So fuck off with all your inquiries, eh?
I’m not sure what to make of it. Other than what it’s saying. Some part of me is in pain and binge eats to numb things? But that’s not the part that was talking to me above. The above part seems to be a messenger, or informer or protector. Hmm.
I ask: Who are you and why are you speaking for my inner binger?
I hear a reply:
Fuck off. Just so you know, I will always want you to fuck off, even if I forget to say it. Anyway, you are a therapist. And you’re so pathetic. God, you disgust me! So fuck you and don’t forget to fuck yourself, too!
At this point, I just feel bad. To think I have these parts of me that are so damaged. And now I feel hopeless.
Next, I ask myself:
Who am I, really?
I’m not a therapist or a binger. I’m not a lost, hurting soul and I am not full of certainty, either. But I have these aspects of my personality. Somehow these aspects and I are along for the same ride.
And so I tell my various parts to get used to me. I am here, not an average part but as a human being who relates to various inner aspects of my personality.
Now, on the inside, I hear silence.